It’s not that I don’t think I’m good at anything, because I do, and I am. But I grew up with the image of ‘the clever girl’, constantly praised at school and at home for being smart. That image has left me dependent on external affirmation and praise. I know there are things I am good at, but I I rarely feel good enough unless someone else confirms that I am.
The title of Tracey Clark’s self-kindness collaborative says perfectly how it should be: I am enough. Currently, life keeps telling me that I am not enough. My current contract expires at the end of this month, and I am applying for jobs and grants all over the place. Again and again my applications are rejected and someone else gets the job. I am told I have a good CV. A good project. But when the people in charge reject me, that is what I take to heart.
I wish I had a solution for how to deal with this. An easy-to-follow recipe resulting in a person who is calm and believing in herself. I don’t, and probably never will. But I do know the one thing that is going to get me through this: remembering the light in my life. Because there sure is a lot of it when I remember to pause and take a look.